Bladed Musings

In A Darkenes Room

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:43:52 GMT

It's been a long time.

I miss my net friends.

You know who you are.

In the dark, listening to Swans.

Chocolate infused with absinthe.

Black cat on the bed.

And he is near.

He is here.

Light candle only.

Neck wrapped in crimson.

Thirsting.

I know who you are.

He is listening to Swans.

We are here.

Happy Fucking Western World Year Changing Piece Of Crap

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 12:36:15 GMT

So it is now time for my annual diatribe. Because I really, really do hate New Year. This year I have managed to avoid some of the shit by staying home tonight and being a sad old fart. But the main reason I hate New Year so much is that, for the next three to six weeks, life will be hell. Why? Becasue it always is. It's that time of year when everything inexplicably turns to shit.

For example: I have to go back to work on Monday. Antidepressants haven't kicked in yet. Still shaking from the hellish anxiety/panic thing. I'm pretty much guaranteed to break crockery again.

I'm also heading up to the Big Day Out this year... And the friend I'm going with managed to invite both his current girlfriend and his most recent ex. I forsee much brown stuff contacting a high powered whirly-thing. FUN.

In other news, the pills I take for being mental apparently affect the pills I take for having acid reflux. I decided that the head pills were more important, but that was before I spent the entire day with the back of my throat burning like six kinds of hell. So I took the reflux meds anyway. I have absolutely NO IDEA how this will affect me, so I have probably done a Bad Thing (tm). We'll wait and see how I'm feeling tomorrow.

I also appear to have lost about 4 kilos in a week. This is probably mostly due to the fact that panic attack anxiety stuff fucks with your digestive system something wicked, and as such I am avoiding eating as much as possible. Also my neck and jaw muscles are tense as hell, and I can't be arsed chewing. It also might be due to the fact that I have a sneaking suspicion that developing an eating disorder might be a nifty back door into getting treatment for my other health issues. It might also be because I'm actually developing anorexia and pretending it's on purpose so I don't have to admit that I have an eating disorder. Or I could be bullshitting. Or any combination of the above factors.

At any rate, this week off has been quite productive in terms of songwriting.

I do believe I've crapped on long enough.

Anyone who reads this and feels like abusing me for talking about OMG EATING DISORDERS because OMG THEY'RE A SERIOUS PROBLEM IN SOCIETY and OMG YOU'RE ENCOURAGING PEOPLE NOT TO EAT blah blah blah can either go fuck themselves with a broken bottle, or try living my life for a week. I recommend the former, it's probably a lot more pleasant.

Eating Disorders Can And Will Attack Your Mind

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 04:46:51 GMT

I'm off work because I am sick. I'm not sick so much as horriblly depressed, panic attacking at the drop of a hat, tired and insomniac and stressed to hell. So I feel even worse about not being at work. Which makes me more stressed...

It has become very clear to me that I need to leave my job. It is not the job I was lead to believe it would be. I have a co-worker who treats me like an imbecile that doesn't even rate as human, who literally pushes me around. I hate being touched right now, I never liked it in the first place. I have to force myself to be perky and happy and a good worker, and it takes too much out of me. My fingernails are breaking from being submerged in dishwater, my skin is breaking out because I'm always in the greasy humid horrible kitchen. I have to wipe the grease off my face when I get home. I feel filthy and disgusting.

Yesterday I almost ran out of work and took the bus to the ER so I could see a shrink. I'm waiting until I can see my doctor tomorrow, but I know the reality is that I will need to be on drugs again. I hate being on the pills, they don't ever make things better, just different...

There is a perception among my family and some of my friends that I am 'better' now, that having a job is good for me because it gets me out of the house and meeting people blah blah blah. NEWSFLASH: It doesn't. I am not better, coping with work has drained all my mental and emotional resources. I am now a fragile wreck and I can't deal with anything right now.

What I really need is solitude, a place of my own and no one assuming that I'm 'better'. Just a place where I can be. A place where I can choose whether or not there will be people around, not having them forced on to me as a consequence of my living environment.

This life is limbo, this limbo is hell. I feel like the soul of an aborted foetus, too. Because I never had a chance.

I can't keep this up any more, this facade, this 'normality' that has been forced on to me in the guise of helpfulness.

I need a new job and a new place to live.

I need to throw away my past entirely. I need a void of my own to decorate.

I was siezed by some crazed emotional/spatial bulimia, and purged my room of everything I could. Birthday cards from my 18th? Gone. Ripped jeans from when I was a pathetic little grunger? Gone. School notes from high school? Gone. If it could go, it has gone. If it is nonessential or non-sellable, it has gone.

How much of your past can you really throw away? Why do people develop sentimental attachments to the memories in scrapbooks, in keepsakes and clutter? I don't know. It was never my life anyway. Those were never memories of me. My memories are my music collection. The things I threw away were replaced long ago by music.

I still feel fat and ugly, though. I'm caught up in a yellow and orange and miror hell.

There can only be one mistletoe.

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 05:03:43 GMT

Chrys: Yay. Weeee, we're going downtown tomorrow and I'm gonna get you a pickle ornament.
notdoriangray: Pickle?
Chrys: Pickle!
notdoriangray: Why...
Chrys: Because they're rad.
notdoriangray: They are?
Chrys: I think so! Don't you want a glass pickle to put on your tree?
notdoriangray: I don't even know if we're having a tree.
Chrys: Then it can be a mistletoe replacement. *laughs*
notdoriangray: KISS ME UNDER THE PICKLE!

So it isn't really that funny...

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 04:43:54 GMT

Sister: *tries to navigate through FLOOR OF DOOM using heater as support*
Sister: You have too much stuff!
Me: Just move the goff doll and the plate.

Outing Thing

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 03:32:14 GMT

Tomorrow (Thursday) I have decided to go to Sumner. This is mostly because I want some sand to make some stuff with, but also to sit in the tea shop and look in the kitschy shop and eat greasy food on the beach. Also just to get out of the city proper, and enjoy the sea air.

If anyone wants to join me for this outing, they ought to text me or something.

It's more fun climbing the rocks and playing pirates if there are people to shout 'ARRRRRRRRRR' at.

3:37

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 14:37:34 GMT

It's 3:37

I fell into a tree today
I hurt my head
And my knee
I pain u_u

I made really good curry today

I wish Shannon was online to talk to me

Things. You Know. Can't-think-of-a-title-for-them Type Things.

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 09:33:07 GMT

Have been writing lots lately. I seem to be on a bit of a poetry type thing at the moment, and have been writing lots of long winded weird shit.

I ate strange American candy and it made my mouth bleed.

The bleeding tastes better than the candy did.

I hate hate hate the DHB.

I'm looking at moving in around a month's time. Which is quite an awkward sort of a time to be moving, but maybe someone is looking for a person to occupy a space, and they'd like a person who has a steady income and always pays their bills on time and does their shar of the cleaning and occasionally bakes tasty treats. I need somewhere vegan-tolerant and queer friendly. And probably small, because I don't want to live with a large number of people.

The other option is that I can get one of my many case workers to help me into a smaller sort of a place, and then maybe one other person would like to come and play house with me.

I have all the necessary things for the making of fucking good coffee. And I work in a cafe and can bring home the leftover foods for free.

Right now, I'm going to watch re-runs of Lost. Becasue I missed most of it the first time round. Mostly because Eddie Cahill is hotter than the hobbit boy. Shannon will back me up on that one.

Sister comes back from Uni tomorrow night... Must go and buy ear plugs.

The Infamous Cookie Of Doom

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 07:27:18 GMT

What the...?

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 04:13:23 GMT

Kiped this off Saku.

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

I'm incredibly surprised. I was always crap at maths.

Halloween and Spooky Music

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 03:38:11 GMT

Halloween. I love Halloween. It's all over now.

This year wasn't quite as exciting as the one where Cat and Spike threw the party with over $100 worth of candies. (That will probably go down as the best Halloween I've ever had.) Still, I baked gingerbread bats as usual. Took some into work. Gave some to trick or treaters. It would appear that we're the best Halloween house on the street... OMGZ HOME BAKED COOKIES!!!!1111!!!! COSTUMES!!!!!111!!!! I swear I thought one of those kids was going to hug me...

Wore the top hat around most of the day. With crazy meiki. Into two banks and the post office, even.

Watched The Exorcist.

Today my Alkaline Trio CDs came in the mail. I'm listening to them loud and enjoying the fact that the sun is outside and I'm inside.

Yeah.

WHAT!?

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 11:26:24 GMT

Today I picked up the Black Books complete collection on DVD. For cheap. From the CD Store, if anyone else feels like blowing $35 on a copy. Watched the entire first season tonight. I can't believe I'd forgotten how much I love that show.

Before I quit drinking, I wanted to grow up to be just like Bernard. So far, I just have the same crap bed hair. And a liking for jam. What I really dream of is getting away with being such a bastard.

If plans for world domination don't come to fruition, I may just open a grimy little book store and not sell many books and yell at the customers and sleep all day.

Thing.

!!!

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 12:03:23 GMT

AFI ARE COMING!!! My favourite band are playing the Big Day Out. I am THERE. Even if I have to quit my job and mortgage my soul. Flights and tickets will soon be sorted. It's all very exciting. Very. As in, I feel happy sometimes when I think about it.

In other news, I have a massive crush on Pauley Perette and I lurfff mah Shannon.

Employment

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 04:02:05 GMT

So I have a job. Start tomorrow. Waking up early. Strange.

Arrrrrrrrr!

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 05:04:09 GMT

Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

All the scurvy sea dogs be landlocked, no ships will be leaving port in this accursed weather.

An Odd Sort Of Day

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 13:51:11 GMT

It's been a strange day. The kind of day where I needed to deal with WINZ (bad), but also the sort of day where a Bauhaus picture disc arrives in the post, complete with a letter from the wonderful person who sent it (good).

Things.

I went to the organic supermarket and bought junk food. Me being me, this means that I bought a samosa pie for dinner, and quinoa chips. Which I ate with hummus.

There is no cucumber and it's pissing me off.

When I was walking home from work, I happened to glance into the window of McDonalds and saw a guy who looked like Matt Skiba.

In short, it's one of those days where you want to listen to Depeche Mode for hours on end.

Cats and Candies

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 12:59:44 GMT

Today has been rather busy, all things considered. I worked. I found out that I have a job interview. I came home and ate pumpkin and lentil soup with poppadoms. Poppadoms are awfully sneaky as far as foods go. They're wafer thin, but manage to be VERY filling. In conclusion, eight poppadoms are too many.

The divine Sam and I met at the cinema and saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I enjoyed it greatly, although Sam was somewhat less enthused. Myself, I am a huge fan of Tim Burton's aesthetics and ideas, and I love the way he puts a film together. I especially loved the flashbacks into Willy Wonka's past, because of the sneaking in of Halloween. I also loved the homages to 2001 and Psycho. I thought the changes to the story line were a little too Americanised, but otherwise it was an amazing film. I even liked the Oompa-Loompas, even if they didn't go 'doo-pa-de-doo'.

Johnny Depp... Utterly gorgeous, zany, amazing. I had difficulty following the plot at times. Note to self: acquire top hat.

I skipped down the stairs at the cinema afterwards. How Sam puts up with me in public I will never know.

Sam and I walked home together, until our paths split to take us to our separate houses. I was accosted by a rather familiar whiskery face on the way, and stopped to exchange pleasanteries (and pettins) with Jack. Our discourse ranged from, "yes, it is rather a lovely night for prowling," to, "did you see that earwig?" and "could you swish that stick again?" I was then duly escorted down the street and on towards the alleyway, where I was left to my own devices.

And now I'm home, full of chocolate and popcorn. Halloween can't come soon enough.

Update for the sake of it.

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 07:12:52 GMT

Hung out with Sam lots this week. ^-^

Had massage at the place at the mall on Friday. And finally, after about a month, I got Hot Guy. There are several people who work at the massage place. There's Crazy Guy, Quiet Girl, Scowly Guy and Hot Guy. Crazy Guy is the one I usually get, and he gives pretty good massages. But, you know, Hot Guy is hot. Anyways, Hot Guy mnaged to get most of that nasty perma-knot out of my neck. Even if he did accidentally shove his arm in front of my mouth, thus making me expend effort to not bite his wrist...

Also, I turn old next week. I'm thinking of maybe being at a cafe, and then maybe some other people could be at the cafe as well or something. I dunno. I don't feel the need for a party or anything. I just want to hang with Sam and catch up with Morbid and maybe see some people that I haven't seen in a while.

About that. I'm pretty much a hermit at the moment. Anxiety disorder. I'm constantly flooded with adrenaline, I can't relax, and I'm prone to panic attacks. Consequently, I'm not big on leaving the house. I do go out occasionally, but I need to be in familiar places.

I got presents in the post yesterday. A pink stuffed monkey and souvenirs from the Chicago pride parade. And a big bag of crazy American candy. I heart you, Chrys ^-^

Coming up next time I can be bothered updating: A rant about charity bracelets.

MAKE POVERTY HISTORY: Live8 2005

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 06:08:06 GMT

Well, I stayed up all Saturday night and Sunday morning watching all 10 hours of Live8. What follows is a review of the highlights of the concert, and some information about the event.

U2 opened. U2, as always, were great. Because they are U2. Bono is really committed to the cause, very outspoken and already an advocate for underprivileged people. The man knows his shit.

Bjork, Japan, very ethereal. I liked.

Coldplay I hate, but they surprised me by bringing out Richard Ashcroft and playing Bittersweet Symphony. I was impressed.

I also got to see Pete Doherty completely pale in comparison to Elton John.

Duran Duran were fantastic. The keyboards are sounding better and better with the advances in music technology since the 80s. Nick Rhodes didn't get enough camera time, unfortunately. Because heaven forbid that they should give the hot one a close up.

GREEN DAY! Fucking rocked. Obviously very dedicated and well informed about the Make Povery History campaign. Billie Joe was on fire, and the crowd was really responding. They also managed to pull off a Queen cover, which was no mean feat.

REM were very polished, very stron, very powerful. Despite Michael Stipe thinking he was a ninja turtle, and painting half his face blue.

Bryan Adams rocked Toronto. His live show is always very pokished, and my high standards were definately met. He pulled out an amazing version of All For Love, quite accoustic and quite beautiful. Yes, I like Bryan Adams. Now shut up.

Bob Geldof go together with the Boomtown Rats to perform I Don't Like Mondays. I was stunned. It was brilliant. Bob's voice is stronger and more powerful than ever, and the performance was very loaded with energy and emotion.

Madonna was a laying it on a little thick for me, being very OTT save-the-world-y. She doesn't have the same impact she used to have, and she was wearing the most godawful pants. However, she played my favourite song of hers from the 80s, so I guess I forgive her. But maybe not for the pants.

A-Ha. A-Ha are looking and soundign better than ever. Really. They blew me away. And damned if Morten Harket isn't looking sexy as hell nowadays. I loved them.

The Killers rocked like only the Killers can.

The Pet Shop Boys were as fun as ever. Old pros, but really pulled out the stops for a great performance.

Velvet Revolver gave a great performance, one that was tighter trhan Scott Weiland's pants.

The Kaiser Chiefs were hardly shown at all, which was disapointing. I was also pissed because The Cure played, but were given no TV coverage at all. That's not good enough.

Nelson Mandela and Kofi Annan both made speeches. Both spoke convincingly about the need to end world poverty. It was good to see both men there, as Africans and as world leaders.

The purpose of Live8 was to raise awareness about poverty, but also to collect names to present to the G8 leaders in conjunction with a three point plan to end poverty. Nearly 28 million names were collected.

More information can be found at Live8Live.com and at MakePovertyHistory.org

New Zealanders ca drop into your local Trade Aid store for more information and a white band.

Plague

Tue, 31 May 2005 11:36:14 GMT

I have plague.

I'm thoroughly miserable.

Ouch

Fri, 27 May 2005 15:58:14 GMT

There's a glass full of saline backwash on my desk.

Here's a fucking quiz:

You are sad because of your grief

Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people
brought to you by Quizilla

I still taste of blood.

337

Mon, 23 May 2005 14:26:22 GMT

The last three days, I have got out of bed at 3:37.

Some music and the great 'Thing' appeal.

Wed, 18 May 2005 06:12:09 GMT

Today I went to Cash Converters and picked up six CDs for thirty bucks. Nirvana, Audioslave, Garbage, Underworld, Duran Duran and Roy Orbison. And I wonder why people look at me funny when I buy CDs. I recko that tops the Cradle of Filth/Bryan Adams combo of 2002.

The other thing is the great 'Thing' appeal. I want things for drawing/painting/making art on. This pretty much means 2D surfaces, but I can make arts on textured thingys.

Here's how it works. You provide me with two identical or nearly identical working surfaces. This could be heavy art paper, pre-stretched canvas, pieces of wood, whatever. You also provide me with a poem, piece of music, drawing, story, or collection of words. I'll use that as inspiration and make some arts. You get to keep one, I get to keep the other. Friends from overseas are welcome to participate. If you can be bothered posting me 'things', I will be bothered sending you back some art.

I hope that's exciting. It doesn't sound as amazing now as it did when I thought of it.

Sorry...

Wed, 04 May 2005 17:59:03 GMT

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Buzzer alarms on alarm clocks going off while I'm in a hypnagogic state
02 | Tubas
03 | Coffee from Denny's
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Morbid
02 | Luke
03 | Cat (Especially inebriated Cat)
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | Small dinosaur soft toys
02 | Music
03 | Coffee
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | WINZ
02 | Teenage girls who think the anus is self lubricating
03 | George W. Bush
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | Binomial theorem
02 | Why I don't understand binomial theorem now, but I did when I was 14
03 | Why I can't get a fucking job
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS ON MY (computer) DESK:
01 | Some marbles in an oil burner
02 | Lyrics that no one has seen to a song that no one has heard
03 | A stone painted to be a bumble-bee
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | Talking to Shannon
02 | Re-working a story I'm writing with a friend of mine
03 | Wearing my hat with horns
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | Be in a band that doesn't suck
02 | Visit Kyoto
03 | Be in a bar brawl
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | Bake the world's best pancakes
02 | Pun
03 | Remember useless things
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | Bitch
02 | Good to my friends
03 | Disfunctional
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | Play guitar
02 | Speak Spanish
03 | Convince Ankh to buy a synth
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | SIXLIP!
02 | Valley Of Visions
03 | Tsunami Bomb
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | George W. Bush
02 | Religious fundamentalists
03 | Dolly Parton
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | "Coffee..."
02 | "How come nobody ever tells me anything?!?"
03 | "Fuck off!"
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Coffee
02 | Cake
03 | Thai red curry
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 | Spanish.
02 | More html, and other webpage making code thingys
03 | Capoeira
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | Coffe
02 | Coffee
03 | Coffee
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | The Centurions
02 | Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
03 | Pirates of DarkWater
------------------------------------------------------------
DESCRIBE YOUR..
[ x ] Wallet - Black
[ x ] Hairbrush - Black
[ x ] Toothbrush - Bright fucking pink!
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily - Celtic knotwork necklace, lip and ear rings
[ x ] Pillow cover - boring and plain
[ x ] Coffee Cup - It's yellow! With flowers on it. And a chip in the rim.
[ x ] Sunglasses - Black square-ish ones I stole from my sister.
[ x ] Underwear - Black. Underwear should always be black.
[ x ] Favorite shirt - Sleeveless black hoodie.
[ x ] Cologne/Perfume - Patchouli/marjoram/bergamot/honey perfume I made.
[ x ] FAV. CD - The Damned - Phantasmagoria
[ x ] Tattoos - It's a sword and it's a secret.
[ x ] Piercings - 14g lip ring, two 14g in right ear.
[ x ] Wishing - Describe my what now?
[ x ] After this - Talk some more to Shannon?
[ x ] Fetishes - Fetishes, no. Kinks... Try me.
[ x ] Person(s) - Describe my WHAT now?
[ x ] Is next to you - Curtains. Icky orange,yellow, and green curtains.
[ x ] Some of your favorite movies - Breakfast At Tiffany's, Star Wars IV, V and VI, Raise The Red Lantern, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Velvet Goldmine, Anything with Alan Rickman.
[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - NICK CAVE!
[ x ] The last thing you ate - Salad dressing flavoured potato crisps.
[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - Nothing.
[ x ] Do you like candles - Mmmmmm, fire.
[ x ] Do you like incense - If I make it myself, sure.
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood - Oh hell yes.
[ x ] Do you believe in love - Yes.
[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - I don't know.
[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - No.
[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - Maybe
[ x ] Do you believe in God - Probably
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - I fully intend to be immortal.
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy - I dunno. I piss people off right, left and centre.
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - I like my cat. But I would also like a turtle or a tortoise. Or a snake. Or maybe a tarantula.
[ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up - Days.
[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - Better than I can with a knife and fork.
[ x ] What's your favorite coin - The Chinese lucky ones
[ x ] What are some of your favorite animals - Cats, turtles, tortoises, snakes, spiders, cats, bees, cats.
[ x ] Who is someone that you really wish was still around - Celia

Misery

Sun, 01 May 2005 17:05:59 GMT

I really don't have anything good to say
I am feeling miserable again
Something is missing
Lots of things are missing
No one is there to pick up the pieces for me
How can you miss someone you never knew
How can you miss someone you don't know
I only want what I never had
I only want the things I can't have
The most beautiful things turn to dust around me
I just want...